I feel like abortions should bother me more
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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