Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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