I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
