I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
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I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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