Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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