Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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