You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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