omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
high people should be assigned attendants
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
