her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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