My cat gives me a boner
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
