just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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