If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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