One girl and one boy is just not enough.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
