I'm so fucking centered right now
That's intense
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
worst night to have a conscience
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
