my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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