What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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