I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
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But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
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Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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