Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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