he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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