If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
