We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
