I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
