Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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