These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
