are you so shy because you have an std?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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