He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
my poor anus
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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