I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
