I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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