Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
