Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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