I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
