I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
