You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
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My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
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I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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