i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
