there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
