I wish I could punch you in the face.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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