The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
