I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
