so that wasnt chicken after all
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
