She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
