i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
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