i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
