the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Randomize
