Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She's like a pop up book from hell.
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I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
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And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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