My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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