I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Randomize
