Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
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I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
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How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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