I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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