Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You made out with two different species that night
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
