The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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