In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Drake has all the answers
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
