is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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