i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
i think my cat just said my name.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
