I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
