Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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