So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
