when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
