Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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