How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
