The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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